Friday, December 24, 2010

Demons of Childhood

The demons of childhood are evil beings that latch on to us when we are young and tender. Like deer ticks, they attach themselves to the skin of a child’s unbroken spirit and burrow in, sucking his or her energy and potential and spitting out a poison that only reveals itself over time. I’ve been able to banish Lyme Disease, so why is it so hard to cast out the demons of childhood?

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. Every time a spouse reacts irrationally to some request or a colleague hits the roof over nothing, you know that the demons of childhood are at work. Demons with names like Doubt and Fear, Insecurity, Unworthiness, and Loneliness, a real nasty bunch of fiends and trolls that follow us doggedly through the confidence of youth only to confront us again and again, in our 30s, 40s, and 50s.

At which point, I daresay, we face them down or die in their embrace.

I'm witnessing the last stand of those demons in my life. I’m confident of victory now, but it’s been a gory battle through the years and my body took quite a beating. I’m working real hard to recover my physical wellness and strength, and I’ll gladly take whatever I can manage to accomplish . . . but in no way does my spiritual victory rely on my physical health. This body is just a womb for my soul, and my soul will be born someday into the arms of my Charlie. The fruit will ripen and the empty shell tossed away on the wind.

Those fucking demons! They still stand in my way some days, blocking the road like a gang of bullies. They compass me about like bees; they are quenched like a fire in the thorns.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. Its comforting to know others share your struggles. I just got a big dose of childhood demons when mother came to visit for 4 days over Christmas. Old habits die hard. She can make that inner child feel scared, guilty and insecure at the drop of a hat.

I too struggle with many physical related illnesses due to my mental Ulcerative Colitis being the worst...needless to say, one hell of a flare up a the moment!

We are survivors and keep on plugging away!!!


masterymistery said...

Couldn't agree more.

Shyness has been my worst demon. Anger has been a close second. And, like most of these things, Anger is an acquired taste.

Arrogance third. (You can imagine how hard it is to be SHY and ARROGANT!).


Heather Awen said...

Although I am allergic to inner children, I have come to an understanding with those reactive parts of me that were created as defenses for surviving a world in which I had no control pop up. After decades of trying to kill them - or avoid them - which allowed them even more power in a twisted way - I have started to say, "Oh, hi, Nobody-Likes-Me, come on in. There's Dissociation and Terror. Oh you want to email address again so no one can find you? Interesting. You all talk amongst yourselves while I read this book."

They don't really go away. This seems to a case of what you resist persists. Now I acknowledge them and go back to what I was doing. No more arguing with them or being controlled by them. Some days are much easier than others I will say! But if I remember they are just thoughts and feelings - things that are transient and change - it helps. Sometimes when I start worrying intensely, I can stop and smile and say, "Thank you brain for doing what brains do. Well done." It stops the trance.

Otherwise I'll be at war with myself - and I like myself too much to handle more war wounds.

(This from the woman who called her psychologist today to ask him to make the crazies go away. LOL)